Lately, life has felt like free falling. I keep waiting...
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Lately, life has felt like free falling. I keep waiting for my wings to catch the air, but for now, I just hear the wind rushing past my ears. I’m trying to surrender to my fate — whatever that may be.
As eclipse season approached, I was already deep in an existential crisis. I was diagnosed with yet another autoimmune condition — one only visible under the surface of seemingly healthy tissue. Spiritually, I kept asking myself: What am I masking? Where am I attacking myself? My body has been shrinking under the weight of six months of GI issues, bringing back old wounds from being bullied as a teenager for being too thin. I catch myself beating myself up again, even as I survive mostly on fish and rice. I’m tired.
And then life piles on: my business, Moon Rising, went from 26 students in three programs last spring to 10 in one program this fall. Students yo-yoed in and out. Opportunities to book retreats and out of state workshops closed. Isabel, my teammate for nearly 6 years, our Alchemist, is moving on to grow her own company. I’m proud of her and happy for her — and yet it feels like more clearing, more falling.
Then my daughter, who I thought had found some emotional stability, decides to run away into the woods to “prove her independence” and actually runs into a black bear. For days I keep watch over her to keep her safe. She tells me I don’t notice her, that I don’t care. I know this is a lie, a test, a way to cut me deep. Still, it hurts. I catch her taking apart a window frame to throw out her backpacking gear, trying to escape. Her father and I take turns keeping her safe.
Meanwhile, my boyfriend stays steady. He sat up all night before my colonoscopy prep, brought me to the surgery center, and cared for me after. He’s watched me launch, collapse, and scramble for odd jobs after a decade of self-employment. He’s seen my daughter rip me apart with her words. And he’s still here — arms open, love overflowing, unwavering.
That night, lying in bed, I didn’t know what I needed. Did I need to cry? To sleep? To be held tightly? Instead of deciding, I let the energy move through me. I followed my breath, my sounds, and my movement — the three keys of Tantra that have become my lifeline.
He touched my shoulder, then my arm, then my back. I quivered at the slightest intentional, loving touch. I sighed, released my breath. A sound bubbled up. My body moved. I followed it. Our energies began to flow together. A “parade of orgasms” rose and fell — but something deeper was happening. The stuck, stagnant energy of stress, heartbreak, disappointment began to move. Bliss mixed with grief. Pleasure braided with pain. Tears streamed down my face and my moans turned to sobs.
“All of you is welcome,” he whispered.
And in that moment, I realized: this is the practice. This is what Tantra has taught me — not just in a workshop or on a mat, but here, in the rawness of life.
In lovemaking, in heartbreak, in parenting, in illness — these keys help me process life as it is, not as I wish it to be. They let the darkness and the light coexist in my body without shame. They remind me that even when I feel like I’m falling apart, I’m also falling deeper into love — with myself, with life, with the people who hold me.
I don’t share this for sympathy. I share it because life is messy and beautiful, devastating and miraculous. Tantra has taught me how to be with all of it — how to breathe, sound, and move through the pain into presence.
If you’re reading this and you’re in your own free fall, know that your breath, your voice, and your body are already your tools. They can hold you, move you, and guide you back to yourself — even in the darkest times.
Thank you for hearing my experience, and if this season of life has left you craving deeper connection—with yourself, your body, or your partner—then I have just the masterclass is for you. Join us to explore how the simple yet profound tools of breath, movement, and sound can become anchors for healing, intimacy, and aliveness. Click the link below to learn more!
Ecstatically Yours,
Christine Renee
Moon Rising Visionary
Join me and my beloved, Jim Macdonald, for a 5-week Intro to Tantra Masterclass—an embodied journey into sacred intimacy, conscious connection, and the healing power of breath, movement, and sound.
Whether you’re solo or partnered, you’ll learn practical, heart-centered tools to deepen trust, ignite energy, and create sacred space in your life and relationships.
💫 5 live sessions · $300 solo / $500 couple
Wednesdays · Nov 5th – Dec 10th · 5–7pm MT / 7-9pm ET
Come as you are. Leave with practices that change how you love, live, and connect.
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